Clear your guns!

There’s much to be said for a good morning crap. Indeed, I’m the kind of guy who takes a measure of pure satisfaction in his daily constitutional. And why not? A reasonably effortless and timely bowel movement not only feels great; it’s up there with solid, concrete-splitting erections as a bellwether of good health. “The gastrointestinal tract is a processing unit that metabolizes all of the nutrients you take in and eliminates all of the body’s waste,” says Dr. Amy Foxx-Orenstein, president of the American College of Gastroenterology. “What comes through it is reflective of how well or how ill the body is.”

Good to know, right? In an ideal stool-emitting scenario, your torpedo should launch with minimal fuss and sink immediately to the bottom of the bowl. This means you’re in fine form. A poop by any other description – pebbles, lumps, floaters, spaghetti, or tall-boy beer cans studded with Doritos-like daggers – should always give one pause. So too should not going at all.

Harvard Health Publications lists an alarming cornucopia of ailments associated with chronic constipation in men. These include the inevitable lifestyle factors (read: diet and narcotics use) through to neurologic disorders, depression and anxiety, and bowel diseases. Most times, it’s the amount of rabbit food you consume in a day.

The experts at University of Oxford Epidemiology Unit would agree. In 2004 they published an investigation into the relationship between nutritional/lifestyle factors and bowel movement frequency. Their findings? I quote: “Being vegetarian and especially vegan is strongly associated with a higher frequency of bowel movements.” Which seems thoroughly obvious, on the surface, but it supports my personal thesis that vegans really are full of shit.

Of some interest, to me at least, is Oxford’s finding that men crap more often than women – on average, 10 per week versus nine for women. I’ve yet to come across any information for why this might be, although you can refer to my vegan thesis, above, if you like.

Of equal – nay, of considerably more interest, are those guys who report sexual arousal during defecation. Something to do with stimulation of the prostate – which certainly sounds innocent enough, when compared to, say, erotic asphyxiation at the extreme end of the Sexual Weirdness Scale. Not that any of this is on topic, but I do find it curious.

I have a good buddy who says you can set your watch to his bowel movements. That may be more information than any friend should share, but I dig his point. Men must in fact be ever boastful of their bowels. Particularly, to doctors. They say more about your state of health than you’re likely prepared to admit. But admit it. The alternative … well, why contemplate?

8 is hate

Download the poster (PDF, 16K, 8.5x11)

Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger!

My favorite comic illustration is from Gary Larson’s The Far Side. The premise is the Four Basic Personality Types. Larson’s panel shows four people staring at a glass half-filled with water. The first, a bespectacled woman with a typically bizarre hairdo, happily exclaims, “The glass is half full!” The second, a man, sullenly confirms that the glass is half empty. The third waffles: “Half full. No! Wait! Half empty! … No, half … What was the question?” The fourth – he looks like a pissed-off truck driver – barks, “Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger!”

I often think of this panel as I go about my business every day. In brick-and-mortar retail, you greet many types of individuals on a more-or-less constant basis. They’re all, for the most part, fairly nice folks. In online retail, however, you only ever hear from your customers when something goes wrong – and that tends to queer the relationship before it even begins.

Without the pretense of civil conduct – that is, shrouded in anonymity, courtesy the Internet – people tend to say whatever they feel like saying. This makes them appallingly quick studies, and therefore easy to categorize into four basic customer personality types.

I present them here, for your amusement and instruction.

Gentleman
I’m happy to report that the bulk of our customers behave like civilized human beings when they approach us with their service problems.

The Gentleman communicates with courtesy and respect. He provides his full name and contact information, as well as his order number and a thorough description of his problem. The Gentleman often acknowledges that mistakes happen, compliments us on our otherwise spotless service record, and tells us precisely (and without expectation of undeserved reward) how he would like us to resolve the issue. He then thanks us very much for our time and wishes us well.

Retailer’s perspective: This guy goes immediately to the top of my To Do list. I’ll even throw in a little something extra, if I can, because he didn’t aggravate my acid-reflux problem.

Opportunist
A Gentleman, to be sure, the Opportunist is also a student of the reward-your-customer-for-every-misstep school of retail psychology. He lucidly explains his problem but rarely describes a solution that would satisfy. Uses the word “disappointed” throughout his text, no matter how slight the offense:

I read on such-and-such forum that your service was second-to-none, but I am disappointed to experience otherwise. My shave brush arrived with a disappointing scratch on the finish. I’m very disappointed that I have to take time out of my busy day to write to you about this issue, when a simple inspection during fulfillment would have prevented such a thing from happening at all. Yours sincerely, a disappointed customer.

This is code for “I want something.” Hence, the missing resolution request and the implied promise of negative public testimonial if a freebie isn’t immediately forthcoming.

Retailer’s perspective: If the error is ours, and it’s a whopper, I’ll hand over something of value without a moment’s hesitation. If we packed the wrong item or shipped a defective product (it happens), and we make a no-quibble proposal to replace it, that’s a completely acceptable customer-service solution and no other offer will be made.

Idiot
Provides a wildly inaccurate delivery address, or makes some other forehead-slapping gaffe that results in the irretrievable loss of his parcel, and blames us for his mistake. The Idiot uses strategies from the Opportunist (above) and Suicide Bomber (below), but fails to achieve a concession from the retailer because he has no bargaining position. And he’s a jerk.

Sensing a lucky break, this individual will first accuse us of deliberately changing the address on his order – because that’s how we endear ourselves to new customers. He will then attempt to extort a valuable freebie as compensation for our trickery. Failing to do so (i.e. when we ask him to inspect his email sales receipt, which clearly proves that we filled and shipped his order exactly as it was submitted to us), he flies into a rage, becomes rude and abusive and/or threatens legal action, then cancels his order and demands a full refund.

Retailer’s perspective: This is not the wisest strategy. We’ll do our best to help customers, even if the error isn’t ours. Once the bullying starts, it’s game over.

Suicide Bomber
Bursts onto the scene and immediately self-detonates. Rarely complains by telephone. When emailing, types ALL CAPS WITH PLENTY OF EMPHASIS!!!!!!!!! lest we miss his otherwise subtle message. Typically opens the customer-service dialogue with profanity and name-calling; closes with threats of legal action. The Suicide Bomber is all pyrotechnics and no agenda: offers plenty of choice words but never once provides a name, order number, astrological sign, ESP wavelength, or some other identifier that might help us to locate his issue and propose a resolution.

Example (actual email):

You idiots SENT ME THE WRONG PRODUCT!!! My card has ALREADY BEEN CHARGED!! I demand IMMEDIATE RESOLUTION or you’ll hear FROM MY LAWYER!!! Jerks.

Retailer’s perspective: We usually delete these messages without fanfare. Or reply.

Holy backlash, Batman!

Chalk this one up to a failed experiment.

Last Saturday – if you’re on the MenEssentials customer newsletter mailing list, you would have found it in your Inbox – we sent out an offer that appears to the left. The thought behind it was innocent enough: let’s celebrate the historic occasion of the first African American president-elect by reducing for one weekend the price of our only branded product line, African Male by MenEssentials – which also happens to be the first luxury skin care and grooming range that targets Black men. We’ve been selling African Male since 2006 and it has a solid following among men of all cultural origins. Nice tie-in. Or so we naively thought.

Our newsletter wasn’t even finished cycling through its mail-out sequence when the first of many venomous messages appeared in response. Here’s one:

Regarding your Ad [sic] about the first "African Male President," remember he is half European [sic] male. I refuse to continue doing business with your company since you support that empty suit, Barack Obama, ol' "B.O." Remember who use [sic] your company – people with money, Conservatives. The bums and criminals who turned out to vote for that Bastard [sic] don't have any money. See ya later, I'm going somewhere else.

And another:

Talk about discrimination/racism. Come on, you have to be kidding.

One more, from Australia:

I feel that your Afro [sic] promotion is tasteless and a form of reverse prejudice. We are all one so why segregate Blacks from Whites? I find it patronising.

Let’s ignore for a moment the bizarre yet apparently pervasive belief that White men are somehow forbidden to purchase glycerin citrus soap or aloe shave gel marketed under a brand called African Male. Also dispense with the fact that our products are made on the African continent, by Africans (hence, the name), as part of an international antipoverty program. Consider instead the backlash our promotion sparked, and what it really means.

We measure any society, in part, by the way in which it treats its minorities. It’s a singular event that the USA has a Black president-elect. This is the most powerful and unique job on the planet. For the first time, it has been entrusted to a man of color. We wanted to honor that occasion.

No one can deny the historic nature of the election’s outcome. Had we honored Hillary Clinton instead as the first female president, or Sarah Palin as the first female vice president, and offered a free women’s fragrance (which we have in considerable volume at our warehouse: long story), would that have been sexist? Had we celebrated John McCain’s victory with a tongue-in-cheek discount on anti-aging products, would that have been ageist? Does a promotion involving hair care products exclude the bald? Or shave products, a deliberate snub of the bearded? Seriously?

The sale itself was for our African Male by MenEssentials product line, which has been available for two years and which has always targeted African American men. Targeted, but in fact enjoyed by any man with skin. If you read our customer reviews, you’ll see that African Male products have a substantial following among men of all skin types and colors. The sale didn’t exclude anyone – we didn’t say it was for Blacks only, just as our annual Thanksgiving sale isn’t for Whites only, even though that holiday was introduced by White European settlers and institutionalized by Puritan Christians.

There is no harm, whatsoever, in highlighting the achievement of any cultural community, particularly one of this significance – which is, in truth, an achievement all Americans can claim with pride. Canada has never elected a Black prime minister. Neither has Britain, or Australia, or any other Western democracy. In spite of our (often boastful) love of multiculturalism, it took the United States of America to show the rest of us how it’s done.

So my question to you is this: was it the fact that we offered a discount on our product line, or was it that we noted the significance of the first African-American president-elect, that upset and offended? If it’s the former, hey, we’ll have other sales for a broader range of products – US Thanksgiving is two weeks away. If it’s the latter, then the deeper question is: why?

Thank you

What Tuesday promises

If pollsters are correct, tomorrow the people of the United States of America will elect as president a racially questionable, socialist/Islamist/communist anti-Christian God-rejecting Arab Muslim with ties to terror organizations and a penchant for cigarettes and gay marriage. In other words, French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

For intelligent life on this planet, however, tomorrow may very well be the first day of the rest of our lives.

It’s no secret that the freedom-loving world – I mean, those of us who can’t vote for American presidents, but who set about our lives within the realm of their imperial influence – think of Barack Obama as the States’ formal apology for eight years of George W. Bush. I won’t belabor any points about the relative merits of either contender for the throne – both Obama and McCain are able men – or the naked emperor they compete to replace. Too much has already been written on that subject, and more will come as Americans wake from their Night of the Swaggering Buffoon.

What Obama’s ascension represents is much greater than a tally of who dined at which pot luck suppers or bought the prescribed number of Girl Guide cookies. Whether or not it’s justified, we have conferred upon this man our hope for salvation from a long and frightful dream.

In reality, either candidate might handily deliver us from the precipice at which we find ourselves. Keep your powder dry and your pecker hard, the saying goes, and the world will turn. Yet only one of these men symbolizes hope, by the very fact of who he is and what he has the potential to accomplish.

Barack Obama is a Black American on the eve of assuming the presidency. To say such a thing is at once obvious and astonishing, and it forces us to hold him to a higher standard. We don’t expect Mr. Obama to part the seas and raise up the dead. But we do demand inspiration.

A Black American president embodies the long-awaited conquest of character over color, of right over race. He must necessarily inspire. He must arouse our passions, reawaken our curiosity, and hand us back our faith – not in what his government can do for us but in what he’ll encourage us to do for ourselves. Anything less would be a cheat, and so we’ll hold him to his promise.

As a Canadian, it’s too easy to sit to one side and mock Americans their folly – and the Bush years were indeed folly on a hubristic scale. But no more! You’ve made your accord with the rest of us. Tomorrow, deliver that light in the window, and guide the hopeful home.