Brookstone sucks, Vuzix rocks

You’ll forgive me if I’ve been incommunicado of late. I’m redesigning the MenEssentials web site, from scratch. My poor weed-addled brain, it seems, can process only one major task at a time.

With much sighing of relief, I have come to the successful conclusion of an annoying but not unexpected customer-service experience. I thought I might share it with you. You know, as a sort of cautionary tale. Also, because Brookstone still won’t answer my emails, publish my reviews of their service, or otherwise lend me voice to my mounting frustration – and what good is a blog, after all, if I can’t bitch in public?

In my “I love my electric snow blower” post of December 11, I mentioned once that I have an uncanny ability to pick from myriad identical consumer products the one defective item on the shelf. What can I say? It’s a gift.

That particular form of luck kicks into overdrive especially for the holiday shopping period. I know this, so I take additional care in my Christmas gift selection. This season, for instance, I stood for nearly half an hour in front of a stack of Xbox 360 game consoles, trying to calculate which was the least likely to have been manhandled and damaged by Best Buy’s careless customers or staff. Seems a smidgeon ridiculous, I’ll admit. But an original Xbox, that I bought as a gift for my boys several Christmases back, came out of its carton in completely dysfunctional condition and Toys ‘R Us wouldn’t exchange it for another that worked. I had to mail the wretched thing to Microsoft and wait almost two months for a functioning refurb. So it goes.

My luck also extends to online orders. Naturally, I have no control over which of the many identical items arrives at my doorstep, so you would think my odds might improve when someone else – a warehouse employee, perhaps – does the picking for me.

I spent almost two weeks casting about for a well-considered gift for my eldest son. He’s 20, lives nearly rent-free with his mother, has his university fees covered, and waits tables part-time at a popular eatery in downtown Ottawa. Meaning, he has more money than God. Not exactly the easiest kid to buy for.

While tooling around the ‘Net, I came upon the Vuzix iWear AV230 Video Glasses at Brookstone.com. This is a goofy looking iPod accessory that allows you to view downloaded videos and movies on the virtual equivalent of a 44” HD screen. In surround sound.

They weren’t cheap. Neither was shipping: $82.00 for “express” delivery, plus $33.00 in taxes and duty, applied together as a lump sum and therefore impossible to know for certain which unspecified tax I was paying or what percentage the duty consumed.

My small, lightweight, $82.00-plus-$33.00 express-delivery parcel arrived nearly three weeks after I made my purchase. (For reference: my entire business is about cross-border delivery. I know precisely the kind of manure Brookstone's three-week delivery schedule and shipping/duty/whatever smells like.) Still, I was thrilled. I bought the product on November 29 and was mortally a-feared it might not show in time for Christmas. So I wrapped it up and stuck it underneath the tree.

First mistake. I should have tested it. But I don’t own an iPod – and I figured Brookstone is a big, reputable company: if anything goes wrong, they’ll make good. Which of course was my second mistake.

By the time my son opened his gift, gave it a whirl, and came to the immediate conclusion that his video glasses were defective, Brookstone’s 30-day return policy had long since expired. No extensions for holiday purchases. Certainly no extensions for international orders that take three weeks to arrive.

I called six times between Christmas and New Year’s and never once managed to reach a live human being. Instead, I received a cheery message about Brookstone’s customer-service hours (I was calling well within them), followed by a don’t-call-us-we’ll-call-you variety of hang-up. I switched to email:

Hello,

I purchased a pair of Vuzix iWear AV230 XL video glasses (S/N 701285) on November 29, which arrived defective. I have followed the startup instructions, several times, and replaced the battery with several fresh batteries, but the glasses continue to play only audio and no video. Even the On-screen Display, which should appear immediately after the product is powered on (according to the user manual), does not display.

I realize that your return policy is for 30 days past the purchase date. However, I am hoping you can make an exception. I do not own an iPod and I am separated, so my son (the recipient of my gift) was only able to try out the glasses with his iPod Nano (third generation) yesterday. The product was shipped defective; it did not work out of the box.

I request an RMA Number so that I may return the defective item for one that works. Please respond at your earliest convenience.

Thank you.

Seems reasonable enough, eh? I’m still waiting for a response.

(I also submitted to the Brookstone.com web site a lucid, dispassionate review of my experience. It was never published.)

Long story short. Once it became clear that Brookstone wasn’t at all interested in my problem, I contacted the manufacturer. According to the Vuzix web site, these guys also produce military and medical applications on top of their consumer electronics. You might imagine what their service is like for a single pair of iPod video glasses. Or you think you might.

I called New Year’s Eve – New Year’s Eve! Reached an exceedingly polite support rep by the name of Todd Ferguson. Todd quickly understood that my video glasses were on the fritz, issued a very speedy RMA, and bid me a pleasant holiday. I mailed my busted specs to Rochester, NY the following week. Todd contacted me a few days later to let me know that his company had received my return, fixed their product that same day, and shipped it back to me later in the evening. I was floored.

In the end, my son received his one and only Christmas gift from me – a month late, but it works and he’s suitably agog. That massive, shit-eating grin the first time he tried them … it was worth the hassle.

Thanks, Vuzix. Screw you, Brookstone.