Six reasons why a White Russian is the perfect holiday beverage

Eggnog is fucking revolting. We’re talking here about uncooked scrambled eggs with sugar. No man in his right mind would consume this toxic sludge on any other day of the year.

White Russians offend the lactose-intolerant. If you think the anti-smoking lobby’s social engineering tactics are extreme, try waving a Caucasian around a crowded room. You might provoke a slightly more hostile reaction by leaving peanuts at the kiddie table – but, seriously, why would you want to?

White Russians are like milk shakes. For alcoholics. These babies go down a little too easy, so guzzle responsibly. Knock back a half-dozen and you’ll be making passes at your grandmother.

White Russians are grown-up versions of piña coladas. I defy you to look like a responsible adult while straw-sipping from a bowl of tropical fruit and a tiny umbrella. You might as well have arrived at the party in a white limousine with your prom date on your arm.

Real men don’t drink Baileys. Sure, the commercials make it look like those hot women are gulping semen from shot glasses. But in the real world, chicks don’t behave that way in public and guys never wear purple velvet.

The Dude drinks White Russians. Need I say more? If you think I do, then you’ve clearly been home-schooled. Go away, you ponce.

How to make a classic White Russian

2 oz vodka
1 oz Kahlua
2% milk

Pour vodka and Kahlua over ice cubes in an old-fashioned glass. Fill with milk and serve.