Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger!

My favorite comic illustration is from Gary Larson’s The Far Side. The premise is the Four Basic Personality Types. Larson’s panel shows four people staring at a glass half-filled with water. The first, a bespectacled woman with a typically bizarre hairdo, happily exclaims, “The glass is half full!” The second, a man, sullenly confirms that the glass is half empty. The third waffles: “Half full. No! Wait! Half empty! … No, half … What was the question?” The fourth – he looks like a pissed-off truck driver – barks, “Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger!”

I often think of this panel as I go about my business every day. In brick-and-mortar retail, you greet many types of individuals on a more-or-less constant basis. They’re all, for the most part, fairly nice folks. In online retail, however, you only ever hear from your customers when something goes wrong – and that tends to queer the relationship before it even begins.

Without the pretense of civil conduct – that is, shrouded in anonymity, courtesy the Internet – people tend to say whatever they feel like saying. This makes them appallingly quick studies, and therefore easy to categorize into four basic customer personality types.

I present them here, for your amusement and instruction.

Gentleman
I’m happy to report that the bulk of our customers behave like civilized human beings when they approach us with their service problems.

The Gentleman communicates with courtesy and respect. He provides his full name and contact information, as well as his order number and a thorough description of his problem. The Gentleman often acknowledges that mistakes happen, compliments us on our otherwise spotless service record, and tells us precisely (and without expectation of undeserved reward) how he would like us to resolve the issue. He then thanks us very much for our time and wishes us well.

Retailer’s perspective: This guy goes immediately to the top of my To Do list. I’ll even throw in a little something extra, if I can, because he didn’t aggravate my acid-reflux problem.

Opportunist
A Gentleman, to be sure, the Opportunist is also a student of the reward-your-customer-for-every-misstep school of retail psychology. He lucidly explains his problem but rarely describes a solution that would satisfy. Uses the word “disappointed” throughout his text, no matter how slight the offense:

I read on such-and-such forum that your service was second-to-none, but I am disappointed to experience otherwise. My shave brush arrived with a disappointing scratch on the finish. I’m very disappointed that I have to take time out of my busy day to write to you about this issue, when a simple inspection during fulfillment would have prevented such a thing from happening at all. Yours sincerely, a disappointed customer.

This is code for “I want something.” Hence, the missing resolution request and the implied promise of negative public testimonial if a freebie isn’t immediately forthcoming.

Retailer’s perspective: If the error is ours, and it’s a whopper, I’ll hand over something of value without a moment’s hesitation. If we packed the wrong item or shipped a defective product (it happens), and we make a no-quibble proposal to replace it, that’s a completely acceptable customer-service solution and no other offer will be made.

Idiot
Provides a wildly inaccurate delivery address, or makes some other forehead-slapping gaffe that results in the irretrievable loss of his parcel, and blames us for his mistake. The Idiot uses strategies from the Opportunist (above) and Suicide Bomber (below), but fails to achieve a concession from the retailer because he has no bargaining position. And he’s a jerk.

Sensing a lucky break, this individual will first accuse us of deliberately changing the address on his order – because that’s how we endear ourselves to new customers. He will then attempt to extort a valuable freebie as compensation for our trickery. Failing to do so (i.e. when we ask him to inspect his email sales receipt, which clearly proves that we filled and shipped his order exactly as it was submitted to us), he flies into a rage, becomes rude and abusive and/or threatens legal action, then cancels his order and demands a full refund.

Retailer’s perspective: This is not the wisest strategy. We’ll do our best to help customers, even if the error isn’t ours. Once the bullying starts, it’s game over.

Suicide Bomber
Bursts onto the scene and immediately self-detonates. Rarely complains by telephone. When emailing, types ALL CAPS WITH PLENTY OF EMPHASIS!!!!!!!!! lest we miss his otherwise subtle message. Typically opens the customer-service dialogue with profanity and name-calling; closes with threats of legal action. The Suicide Bomber is all pyrotechnics and no agenda: offers plenty of choice words but never once provides a name, order number, astrological sign, ESP wavelength, or some other identifier that might help us to locate his issue and propose a resolution.

Example (actual email):

You idiots SENT ME THE WRONG PRODUCT!!! My card has ALREADY BEEN CHARGED!! I demand IMMEDIATE RESOLUTION or you’ll hear FROM MY LAWYER!!! Jerks.

Retailer’s perspective: We usually delete these messages without fanfare. Or reply.