Clear your guns!
There’s much to be said for a good morning crap. Indeed, I’m the kind of guy who takes a measure of pure satisfaction in his daily constitutional. And why not? A reasonably effortless and timely bowel movement not only feels great; it’s up there with solid, concrete-splitting erections as a bellwether of good health. “The gastrointestinal tract is a processing unit that metabolizes all of the nutrients you take in and eliminates all of the body’s waste,” says Dr. Amy Foxx-Orenstein, president of the American College of Gastroenterology. “What comes through it is reflective of how well or how ill the body is.”
Good to know, right? In an ideal stool-emitting scenario, your torpedo should launch with minimal fuss and sink immediately to the bottom of the bowl. This means you’re in fine form. A poop by any other description – pebbles, lumps, floaters, spaghetti, or tall-boy beer cans studded with Doritos-like daggers – should always give one pause. So too should not going at all.
Harvard Health Publications lists an alarming cornucopia of ailments associated with chronic constipation in men. These include the inevitable lifestyle factors (read: diet and narcotics use) through to neurologic disorders, depression and anxiety, and bowel diseases. Most times, it’s the amount of rabbit food you consume in a day.
The experts at University of Oxford Epidemiology Unit would agree. In 2004 they published an investigation into the relationship between nutritional/lifestyle factors and bowel movement frequency. Their findings? I quote: “Being vegetarian and especially vegan is strongly associated with a higher frequency of bowel movements.” Which seems thoroughly obvious, on the surface, but it supports my personal thesis that vegans really are full of shit.
Of some interest, to me at least, is Oxford’s finding that men crap more often than women – on average, 10 per week versus nine for women. I’ve yet to come across any information for why this might be, although you can refer to my vegan thesis, above, if you like.
Of equal – nay, of considerably more interest, are those guys who report sexual arousal during defecation. Something to do with stimulation of the prostate – which certainly sounds innocent enough, when compared to, say, erotic asphyxiation at the extreme end of the Sexual Weirdness Scale. Not that any of this is on topic, but I do find it curious.
I have a good buddy who says you can set your watch to his bowel movements. That may be more information than any friend should share, but I dig his point. Men must in fact be ever boastful of their bowels. Particularly, to doctors. They say more about your state of health than you’re likely prepared to admit. But admit it. The alternative … well, why contemplate?
